April 24 Editorial

They say the family that plays together stays together, but this week I realized that the family that diets together kills each other.
Once again on the quest for a somewhat healthy body, my husband and I decided to make a big lifestyle change and start eating clean and working out with a trainer. We reunited with Ira Wenze of Unlimited Fitness Results to get, not only our bodies in shape, but our minds as well.
I realized that none of my crazy workouts and diets have ever had lasting results for three reasons. 1) I let my head tell me that I can’t. 2) I expect instant results with minimal output. And 3) My husband has never been on board to join me in the journey to a healthier lifestyle.
We both need a change. A permanent one.
After meeting with Ira, we formulated a plan which included a strict diet, 5 day a week military boot camp style workouts, and a 24 day cleanse. My husband and I both knew it wouldn’t be easy, but nothing worth doing ever is. So we dressed in our workout gear and headed to our first boot camp.
I cringed when I arrived to find medicine balls, kettle bells, and giant ropes scattered around the gym because I knew that I was about to die. Within the first ten minutes, I was sweating like a pig with my heart pounding so loudly in my ears that I could barely hear Ira yelling out his orders. (Yeah, right!).
After our first circuit, Ira said, “Run down the sidewalk to the end of the street and back.” Anyone who knows me knows that not only do I hate running, but I suck at it….royally. Not to mention I look like a duck when I run. But without hesitation, I took off running like a pack of zombies were close behind.
About halfway down the street, I felt my Advocare Spark energy drink working its way back to the light of day. I slowed down, but it was too late. I headed for the bushes just in time to hear my husband coming up behind me, laughing hysterically. “Ha-ha! You yacked,” he said. Had I not been feeling like my fountain show might be a two part-er, I would’ve tripped him. All I could muster was, “Shut up.”
I gathered myself and headed back for more torture, but was proud that I had already overcome a hurdle by not giving up.
I continued to push myself, and on my third run down the street, I was lucky enough to catch my husband paying a little visit of his own to the sacrificial bushes. Wow. Karma works faster than I thought.
That night, we went home and cooked our third bland, clean meal of the day. No sugar, no flour, no dairy, no red meat…..basically nothing good. I was pretty sure that we were both detoxing from caffeine and processed foods when I dropped a fork on the floor and he called me an idiot, then a few minutes later I told him I would stab him if he didn’t get out of the kitchen. We both needed a time out. Or a candy bar.
We resisted temptation, and overcame the grumpiness just in time to enjoy a thick, disgusting fiber supplement followed by five giant horse pills that smelled like skunk. I went to bed that night thinking, “If this is what it takes to be thin and healthy, prop me up at the drive-thru when I die.”
Day 2 was a little easier, even though I was in pain from my head to my feet. I was hurting in places that I didn’t even know could hurt. As an added bonus, I only gagged once when taking my giant pills throughout the day. That’s what I call progress.
Now, here we are on day 5. My husband and I have battled headaches, muscle aches, mood swings, cravings, and temper tantrums. He’s already lost five pounds. My scale hasn’t budged. But the one thing that I have received is encouragement from the guy who I’ve threatened to stab, divorce, and “take down to Chinatown” numerous times this week.
He’s no saint, but he’s my angel.
I seriously wouldn’t have lasted this long without him. So here’s to fitness! Hopefully it doesn’t kill us before we kill each other.