May 29 Editorial

This weekend, my family got together to celebrate the epic kickoff to summer 2014, Memorial Day. We fired up the grill, popped a few beers, and cheers-ed to what I hoped would be an amazing weekend. What I realized is that even though I’m getting older, when it comes to fun….I’ve still got it.
Having been on a strict diet in my always entertaining journey for health, wellness, and a beach body that won’t make others dry heave, I decided that this weekend was a chance for me to fall off the wagon a bit. On Friday afternoon, I made a run to the store, along with everyone else in a 50 mile radius, for the essentials to make the holiday weekend a standout.
While there, my husband and I giggled at the passing shopping carts being pushed by the high maintenance housewives from Birmingham and Atlanta that had flocked to the beach for their annual “vacay”. The carts consisted of everything a family of “salt life-ers” might need. Sunscreen, 400 cases of soda, a blow up ride on alligator, lunchables, and enough beer and wine to keep mommy and daddy oblivious to their little angel’s obnoxious screams in the pool for days.
While passing one of these carts complete with THREE dip nets being pushed by a woman who looked like princess sourpuss, my husband stopped and said, “Yeah, that’s totally going to be you if we ever have kids.” To which I replied, “No way! I’m too cheap to buy our kids three dip nets. I’d buy one and we could sit back and take bets on who the strongest of the pack is. It will be fun.” He loves me because I am a sick woman.
We headed home with enough pork ribs, steak, and hamburger meat that it looked like I took out a petting zoo with my car. And the eight cases of beer might indicate that those sweet petting zoo critters never had a chance. Disclaimer: This is a joke. No actual petting zoo animals were harmed in the making of this Memorial Day Weekend. Can’t say the same for poor Bessie and Wilbur.
We fired up the grill, and within minutes the sweet smell of summer filled the back yard. Five seconds later, I spilled my beer after flipping the hammock while swatting a thousand giant mosquitoes away from draining me of my life force. Ah, Florida living.
We awoke the next morning and headed to the boat ramp along with every other boat owner in Escambia County. We waited patiently in line as we watched family after family of morons attempt to launch into the Intracoastal for a day of fun. Here’s a tip….if you own a boat and you have a wife with more than two brain cells or a kid over the age of 10, teach them to be useful or get them out of the way.
I find nothing more annoying than watching a one man operation struggling to back in, launch, tie up, get out, load bags, and THEN move the trailer while his incapable wife and clueless son watch helplessly while 100 other people are waiting. You people suck at life.
Nearly thirty minutes later, it was our turn for launching. My husband refused to buy us a boat unless I learned to back in a trailer, launch it, and drive the boat myself. I wasn’t happy when this ultimatum was made, but I am now. Our teamwork had our boat in the water and ready to go in under two minutes. I didn’t even kill anybody.
We headed to Robinson Island for a day in the sun, and boy did it deliver. Long story short…the sun was hot, the beer was cold, and the crowd was insane. I felt like I was on the elderly version of Party Down South. I saw more over the hill idiocracy in one day than I have in years. And to think Pensacola thought CMT filming their show here would cast a bad reputation to the good rednecks of the gulf coast.
As the weekend wore down, so too did I. I added ‘Memorial Day Weekend Warrior’ to my Murtaugh List, a list made famous from the TV show "How I Met Your Mother" inspired by Danny Glover's character Roger Murtaugh in the movie series "Lethal Weapon" who always said “I'm too old for this …”.
For those of you unfamiliar with how this list works, here you go. For example, I may be able to still pull and all-nighter, but an all-weekender is on the Murtaugh List. Putting three additional dip nets in a snobby tourist’s cart…..still not on the Murtaugh List. There are some things you never get too old to do.
Even though I may not be able to hang like I did in my younger days, I have to say the Memorial Day 2014 was still pretty amazing. So here’s to summer! I hope you all have a safe and happy one full of plenty of things to add to your own personal Murtaugh List. Cheers!